First thing first,
Why do I create annual self-reflection? Does it matter at all?
I once stumbled upon this (very) old conversation between @paraschopra and @prayag on July 8, 2012 when they were arguing about comparing present self v. past self, which mostly is what self-reflection is all about.
On a personal level, I feel self-reflection is like cartography; a study and practice of making and using maps by combining science, aesthetics, and technique. It’s more complex than just opening the maps as we go or when we lost. By writing self-reflection, I’m getting more open to nuances where I combine objective results (recognized achievement ─> the magnitude of my works), desires, and step-by-step how to improve.
Moreover, this has been a common feeling i.e: excitement, confusion, and anxiety all at once when taking a new journey, whether it’s about personal life or professional life (work/career, especially for fresh graduates). I may learn from others or I may learn from my own decisions, but either way, I’m the one who steers the boat. In this case, the capability to get to know yourself through reflection from within and without is a paramount indicator to give value both to yourself and others. In other words, see this as a good leverage in a way that makes you worth fighting for, or something like that.
I gained massive insights about the importance of self-reflection from so many self-development resources indeed, and one of them I read from a thread by Farina Situmorang (it’s written in Bahasa). She addressed, “self-awareness is not something that can be done within two hours; it is something we do every day. Try to get to know yourself through your daily life first.” You can listen to her conversation with Fellexandro Ruby and Ario Pratomo about how to seek mentors and nurture valuable relationships, to get richer context on this topic on Spotify or Youtube.
“The more you know yourself, the more you know what your values are, what your superpowers are, what you can really contribute to the world. What do we have, but others don’t have? There must be ones”
Farina Situmorang
A Year of Recovery and Discovery
I still remember vividly how I was so miserable and my self-esteem was literally at rock bottom during 2020 – 2021. I’m fully aware that terrible academic performance shares the biggest reason for my desperation. Something that I NEVER expect before. However, I managed to get out of it in the last quarter of 2021, alive. God bless. Hence at the end of the year, the wishlist for 2022 is getting obvious: officially graduated and looking for early-career jobs.
The first two months of 2022 ain’t easy either. I applied for SO MANY full-time jobs for fresh graduates (including Management Trainee) and ended up getting a bunch of rejections or leaving me hanging. Until I realized something; I don’t fit with the job market.
As someone who does lots of Public Relations roles and social work projects, I was too confident that my prior experience within academic institution give me familiarity with corporate settings as well. And the truth is, IT’S NOT! HAHAHA. There’s a big difference between working at an institution and a company spanning from the culture, the pace/dynamics, the target, benefit, and all that.
Needless to say, I don’t know anything at all. If I still want to pursue career in corporation, I gotta pivot and start anew (quickly) before my graduation in March.
So, instead of looking for full-time jobs all of a sudden, I’m looking for internships. In my first trial, not long after graduation, I received an offer for 6-months contract (‘til October 2022) at a digital start-up company. Underpaid indeed, if compared to most internship programs in Jakarta. But I can’t complain since (a) I work from home where it’s in rural area and the take-home pay is enough to cover my monthly expenses, (b) my role turns out to be very fulfilling work, and (c) the benefits are still much better than my previous internship at my faculty. That’s where I got my first hands-on experience in Marketing and Corporate Communication. While I was doing the internship, I also actively searched for graduate programs. What can I say, I grow up in a place where most of my big family members are a teacher. Like, you can take me out of school, but you can’t take school out of me.
My initial desire was I want to be a lecturer by pursuing Master straightforward after my undergrad and hopefully to Ph.D as well if I got a chance. But then 2020 – 2021 came, the awakening moment for me that being a lecturer takes a long shot and is much harder, in terms of investment, than starting a career in private company. It’s okay, it’s just a desire anyway ─ a strong internal drive that has not been adding reality into the equation.
That being said, my latest internship (both through role and co-workers) gives me more insights into what I want to learn and it’s something that can only get by pursuing another degree. Additionally, I took a big move this year by cold-messaging several great individuals whom I find I might get mentorship in considering Master Degree, and so far they are all so helpful!!! That’s why I feel optimistic to take Master Degree in the next couple of years.
A year of hunger
The way I think
Maybe reading all above makes you think I’m typically someone with unclear objectives or lack thereof. Apparently, I agree with you. Once I recover from bad experiences, I’ll automatically be on fire to explore anything new that I see myself having potential in it. The thing about this jack of trades archetype is; master of none. It’s just a blink of an eye for me to deprioritize anything that actually matters the most when I find a new interest and desire to optimize it. Consequently, every so often the problem in my life is not because I’m optimizing too much. It’s because I’m optimizing for completely the wrong thing. That’s probably the major reason I keep feeling lost and have never-ending impostor syndrome.
Another trait that I find adds chaos is my own decision-making model. From what I had noticed, I tend to obsessively read narratives about whatever was going on in my life. If I was having a crush on someone, I’d read anything about mating game or dating behavior across sexes and the likes. If I got a new job role in a different industry (say, it’s a community marketing in digital mental health service) I’d read how to win friends and influence people. And that’s all are not limited to books, it can be random social media posts or videos that cross my senses. Even at the beginning of my internship at Riliv, I almost took intensive French class because I see a post that highlight all the benefits if you learn French.
Nevertheless, in the last couple of months (before my last internship ends), I realized that I don’t do it anymore.
Part of it is because I’m more confident. Now I trust in my own decision-making ability, in the validity of my experience and in how I interpret all the nuances. If I’m feeling something about work or my friendships or my family or anything, I know that my observations are (almost) correct. But part of it is also because I’m losing the ability to follow straightforward narratives anymore: what they tell is mostly not applicable in my case.
On Work
One of the things that go to my decision is about shifting from Public Relations to Digital Marketing. I can say confidently that the decision to tap Digital Marketing is not merely because of FOMO (although they do keep buzzing on my twitter timeline), but it comes from self-reflection. Jobs in PR are relatively harder to find for fresh graduates and need quite an investment to appear good-looking, unfortunately. Furthermore, PR is more focused on shaping public opinion for long-term purposes. This can be challenging for early career to measure your daily/weekly/monthly achievement especially when you work in well-established company. By knowing at what level I’m standing right now, I need something that can give me a quick result with reliable data. With Digital Marketing, I can do campaign planning and set it up for airing and I get real-time results, either for campaign performance or sales performance just within days or weeks (depending on the objectives).
That’s why when I took Digital Marketing Bootcamp, I take it seriously. Like my life solely depends on it. Thus, I got quite satisfying results actually hahaha. I was honored to be one of the Best Student out of 480+ students and I got 4 user interviews for Campaign Performance positions within the same month alone. There are more job interviews after that of course, but some of them failed and some of them are still ongoing.
On Education Planning
Not only the cost of my mistake regarding job-seeking strategy, but I also have so much regret in choosing trajectory for my undergraduate program as well. It’s mainly because my unhinged high school brain was thinking that as long as the curriculum (mandatory & optional) related to my interests, it was enough. If I’m smart/performed well enough in that place, everything will be fine.
I was dead wrong.
If I ever learn anything, the most FUNDAMENTAL consideration is something that is NOT on the internet. Be it about “signal” or something related to on the paper v. real practice. My undergraduate alma mater is the most prominent university in East Java, with marketing world-class university all over the place. But in reality, it’s still far compared to “Ring 1” University in terms of how many alumni are in big companies, well-known research institutions/firms, or prominent NGOs. They give us better opportunities to climb the ladder.
Before making a decision, consider this: does it take an outlier first to get there? And what about academic cultures? Is it still prone to cheat? Do the academic staff get paid particularly to hunt such a thing? I also learned about “hidden signals” such as big three management consulting firms like McKinsey, BCG, and Bain are only considering applicants from top 1% UI and ITB graduates. The other thing is something like, graduating from US university is more favored in the most workplace. All of them I get when I was already in my final year. Too late!
And I don’t want this to happen again. At least, I have to minimize the risk.
To make amends for the wrong decision I made for myself, I tried to seek a mentor. A week ago, I got a chance to meet Kak Lili, a graduate student at Columbia who happens currently staying in Jombang. I reached out to her because she is pursuing the program that I want to pursue as well. So, for two and half hours we talked about what to consider before preparing admission requirements and it’s neither something that I can easily find on internet nor during virtual info session. The information which only alumni can provide in an honest way.
Word of advice: ask them about which one that meet their expectation and, most importantly, anything that didn’t. I realized that I don’t have to experience it all by myself and feel regret later. I’ll be mindful of time, energy, and all the expenses that I’d spend. The key is; take some time to observe and learn from others.
Therefore, I don’t need to rush anything so I can think more thoroughly this time. Not only reaching out to alumni to seek “hidden information” that might pave my career easier but I also must balance between what I need (the fundamental experience that fits with job market) and what I am interested in (added value or what kind of positive impact I want to make in the workplace).
On Hobby
Last but not least, I’m fully aware that thinking about the future too much is not healthy either. I noticed some of them are increasing and some of them decreasing. For example, my physical activity increased this year since I want to improve my BMI and muscle mass. 20x sit-up, 20x pull-up, and 15 minutes walk every morning. My caffeine intake is skyrocketed this year to beat my low blood pressure (FYI, I drink Tora Coffee Latte). Other than that, this year is my first time trying to buy decant/vial versions of high-end perfume. I bought 2 variants from Narciso Rodriguez and 2 variants from Dyptique. I LOVE THEM, NO REGRET! Definitely would buy a full bottle if I got the money, WKWKWK.
On the other hand, my intensity to read/buy books this year significantly decreased. Like, I barely finished reading anything. Instead, I spent a lot of time watching movies/series and exploring composers on Youtube (oh.. I wish I can play piano) Maybe I’ll learn to play it someday!
Indah Purwanto 
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